Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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