you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
