Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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