Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
