he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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