drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
