There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We have started to decorate penises.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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