if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
