So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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