The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
