I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
