I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
