Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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