So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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