I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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