Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
