I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
