i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
