I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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