you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
