I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
