I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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