Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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