so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
