Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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