When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
