saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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