Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
