i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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