I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
