Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We left the knife in your bed.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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