A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize