Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize