I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's official drugs can't kill me
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
