I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
