trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
