I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
