I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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