Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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