I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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