hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
