Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
