If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize