Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
