It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
