So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
