Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize