oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
