she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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