i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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