Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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