i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
