I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
