in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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