It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
