My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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