I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
