i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
