is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
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