apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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