Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
