I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
