i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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