Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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