If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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