oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
