Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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