Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
two words: eviction party
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
