I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize