omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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