Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We left the knife in your bed.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize