I think my fart just growled at me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
