her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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